Squire Derel Page 5

  “I should have run, when he said. When you said. He’d still be alive, if I’d done that.”

  “Don’t think like that, Phil. The KP had his sword out, not his gun. He couldn’t have stopped a shot with that. That son-of-a-bitch would have shot him just as dead if we were gone or not.”

  Phillip shook his head. “It’s not just that, Ana. He was trying to help me. My burns…they hurt so bad. He was trying to give me another shot of painkiller, going through the pack to see if there was anything he could do. And the patch tore.”

  “Hell.” I didn’t know that part. “That’s not your fault. Fuck. That’s my fault. I didn’t put it on right.”

  “It wasn’t you, Derel. He was losing too much blood. He said so. He couldn’t get the last one to take on his own, either.”

  I heard the words, but I didn’t heed them. Fuck. The KP’s dead because of me.

  We sat in silence for a few moments, me considering this new intel, and my part in Ilyen’s death, and him thinking I knew not what. After a space, his voice cut into my thoughts. “Who do you think he was?”

  My mind was racing, and I felt bile rise in my throat. But I tried to attend to his words. “The rider?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I…I don’t know. Must be from the South, I guess.”

  “One of Agalyn’s knights?”

  “Who else could it be?” I’d considered that on the way back, when my senses returned enough for rational thought. I preferred it to thinking about Ilyen. And I hadn’t come up with any more plausible option. “It’s too far to fly from the East Isles. Anyway, someone would have spotted them. And they don’t have dragons in the West.”

  He considered for a long moment. “You think it will mean a war?”

  “I don’t know,” I mumbled. Then, I blurted out, “I should have shot him, though, Phillip. I shouldn’t have let him dismount. If I’d shot him, Ilyen wouldn’t have been hit.”

  “That dragon would have cooked us both. You saved our lives.”

  “I didn’t save Ilyen. I let him die.”

  “No you didn’t. He was damned proud of you, Ana. He told me so. He wanted you to know. He made me promise I’d tell you.”

  I glanced up, and under the bandages caught his gaze. He held it with two blue eyes brimming with tears. I’d held them back doggedly all this time, fighting with every fiber of my being to keep them at bay.

  Somehow, seeing tears in Phillip’s eyes pushed me over the edge, and I found myself bawling. In a moment, we were both bawling and inarticulate. As near as I could tell, he was trying to console me. I knew I was trying to console him. None of it made sense, though: I was blubbering, and he was choking out half words.

  It was now, to my lasting mortification, a group of visitors arrived. I recognized three of the four at a glance, and the fourth in a moment. Jumping to my feet, ignoring the flash of agony that swept my back with the movement, I saluted. “Commander.”

  “At ease, Squire.” His tone was quiet and kind, and he was surveying me with concerned eyes.

  Having addressed the senior officer, I nodded at the rest – Mayor Fitzwilliam, Sheriff O’Brien, and the Knight of the Shire. Callaghan. I didn’t know her personally, but I’d seen her a few times since Ilyen and I arrived in the shire. She was watching me almost as carefully as Lidek, with the same sympathetic compassion in her blue eyes. The pair of them, and the concern in their expressions, was nearly enough to make me break down again. But I forced composure.

  And, mercifully, they turned their focus on Phillip. “How are you holding up, Aaronsen?”

  “Well, Commander,” he replied. “I’m fine.”

  “You know it’s against regulation to lie to a commanding officer, Squire,” Callaghan offered in mild tones. It was offered straightforwardly, and had I not been watching her expression, I might have missed her subtle smile.

  Phillip was wrongfooted for half a second by the comment, before he too seemed to pick up on her humor. “I mean, I’m alive. I’ll live.”

  “That you will,” Lidek agreed. “And once the priests get here, you’ll be in a lot better shape. The doctor tells me you’ve been holding up like a trooper.” He glanced at me now. “The pair of you.”

  “Doing our best, sir.”

  He nodded. “Your best, Derel, is damned good. I saw what you did with that dragon. And I know I have you to thank for returning two of my three people. It’s a dark day for all of us. But it could have been – would have been – a lot darker if not for you.”

  My voice caught unexpectedly as I answered, “Thank you, sir. I’m sorry…I didn’t save Ilyen.”

  “You saved two-thirds of your team from certain death, Squire. You took an impossible shot. You did your knight proud.”

  I didn’t argue. Lidek was my commanding officer, and the truth was, I didn’t quite trust my voice. So I just nodded.

  “I called for a medical transport for the pair of you. It’ll bring you back to base.”

  “What about Ilyen, sir? Is the funeral going to be at Cragspoint?”

  “Don’t worry about that, Derel. We’ll take care of that – and you’ll be there.”

  I nodded. “Thank you, sir.”

  “Of course. You focus on healing. That goes for both of you.”

  “Yessir,” Aaronsen replied.

  “Good. We’re sending a preliminary report to the capital, so there’ll probably be knights down soon. They’ll want to talk to you. But it’ll wait. Rest now. The transport should be here soon.”

  I headed back to my own cot shortly after they’d left. I still felt like shit, mentally as well as physically. But the commander’s words helped a little anyway. So had Phillip’s.

  So I sank onto the makeshift hospital bed and closed my eyes. I was in too much pain to sleep, but my eyes ached with the pressure of tears – the ones I’d shed, and the ones I’d repressed. Shutting them felt good.

  I’d been lying there on my side, my back pressed close to but not against the cool wall, for awhile when a voice sounded near. “Derel?”

  It was so unexpected, I started. Opening my eyes, I found myself face-to-face with KP Callaghan. “KP?”

  “Don’t get up, please.”

  I paused, halfway between swinging my legs off the cot. “What can I do for you, ma’am?”

  “Call me Lilia,” she said. “Or Callaghan. But you’re off duty. No need for titles.”

  “Yes ma’am. I mean, Callaghan.”

  She smiled, but the expression didn’t travel above her lips. Her eyes still carried the same concern I’d seen earlier. “Lidek and Fitzwilliam are getting ready to head back. But I wanted to check in with you before we left,” she said. “You okay, Derel?”

  “Yes. I mean, considering.”

  She nodded, and for a moment hovered in place, as if hesitating. I wasn’t sure what about, but her indecision was palpable. Then, she seemed to reach a decision, because she sat down beside me, on the far end of the mattress. “Are you sure?”

  I blinked. “Phillip was burned worse,” I said.

  “I’m not talking about burns. I mean: you lost your knight today.”

  “We both did.”

  “Yes. But you knew Ilyen a lot longer.”

  I nodded and blinked back the tears that sprung up at her words. “Since the academy.”

  She nodded too, repeating, “Are you alright, Derel?”

  For a moment I sat in place, unsure of how to respond. Alright? I’d just lost the first person in the world who believed in me. Maybe the only person who believed in me. Maybe the only person who would ever believe in me. And I’d lost him because I’d failed to protect him. No, I wasn’t alright. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be alright again.

  But I couldn’t say that out loud. People didn’t want to hear that kind of thing when they asked a question like that. Hell, I could barely think it because I wasn’t ready to hear it. So I lied. “I’ll be alright.”

  “Hm.” She glanced away from me, stud
ying the far wall for a moment. I fought to get my breathing under control, to push away the feeling of tightness in my chest. I felt like I was drowning. I knew she meant well. I knew she was trying to help. But, gods, I wished she’d leave. I was about two breaths away from losing my composure, and I’d already humiliated myself in front of the brass once today.

  “I lost my knight too,” she said, and her tone was very soft. I glanced up at her words, but she was still staring at the wall. Or, staring through it, more like. A shadow of melancholy had settled on her pretty features. By some trick of light and shadow, her dark hair framed her fair skin like a mourning veil. “I wasn’t a squire. It was after that. But she…well, she was murdered.”

  “Murdered?”

  “By brigands.”

  “I’m sorry.” For the briefest moment, my own sorrow took a backseat to this stranger’s. Hers felt as raw, as real, as my own. It positively emanated off her as she sat beside me.

  She turned her eyes back to me now and smiled softly. “So you don’t have to lie to me. And – you don’t have to lie to Lidek, either. He’s lost more people than you know.”

  I swallowed. “I…I’m not lying.”

  “No,” she acknowledged. “I’m sorry. That’s not the right word. But you’re not alright. You don’t have to pretend you are. Losing your knight – it messes you up. Especially…well, especially in a situation like yours.”

  I turned surprised eyes to her. How could she possibly know my situation? Callaghan. I turned the name around in my mind. I didn’t know it, except in relation to the Shire. And my family was based in the central region. We had no connection to the area, except through my posting. “I…I’m not sure…”

  She smiled again. “You don’t need to look so surprised, Derel. When people spend as much time together as you two did…” She shrugged. “Feelings develop. It’s far from uncommon.”

  My surprise was growing, but it took a moment for my overwrought brain to grasp her meaning. “Feelings? You mean…me and Ilyen?”

  She nodded, and I felt my face flush. Is that what she thought? Hell. Is that what Lidek thought? I hoped not. She was right: it wasn’t unheard of. It wasn’t even frowned on, as long as it was consensual, between adults, and there was no exploitation of power dynamics. A squire still had to prove his or her abilities to reach knighthood, and a knight who abused his position would lose his knighthood. But when people spent years working and training together, sometimes feelings did develop; and the army wasn’t in the business of policing the love lives of its knights.

  But that wasn’t, and had never been, the case between Ilyen and myself. I loved him like a brother. Hell, I loved him better than any of my flesh-and-blood brothers, and he certainly had been better to me. But that was the extent of it. “That’s not…I mean, I never…it wasn’t like that.”

  Her expression was a curious combination of skepticism and empathy. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Derel. You’re an adult. You were almost a knight in your own right. You can care for whom you will.”

  “I’m not…” I shook my head. “I’m not ashamed. It just – it wasn’t like that. Ilyen was my friend. My mentor. He was – he was like family to me. But that’s it.”

  She studied me for a moment, and then nodded. “Alright. I won’t press you. But…if you ever need to talk…well, I want you to know that my door is open.” She smiled. “Figuratively speaking. It won’t actually be: you’ll have to knock. But I promise I’ll let you in.”

  Chapter Eight – Callaghan

  Never thought I’d wish I was policing squires. The universe had a cruel sense of humor sometimes. I’d been so busy pissing and moaning about babysitting, I never considered it could be worse. Much worse.

  And yet, here I was: smackdab in the middle of much worse. It consisted of an investigative panel of knights from the capital, tasked with fact-finding. I wasn’t sure if Lidek was to blame for this dubious honor, or if it had been some misguided courtesy to me as Knight of the Shire. Either way, I’d have sooner swam in a tank of piranhas.

  It wasn’t that I wasn’t a team player. I might not be the most social of creatures in my private life, but I was a consummate professional. I could play well with others.

  Unless the others were vapid, pretentious and clueless. Then, it became something of a struggle. As it happened, the five knights I was assigned to work with cornered the market on vapid, pretentious and clueless.

  For starters, there was KP Alduran. Far quicker to speak than think, decidedly more pleased with himself than his intellect justified, and with chiseled good looks and the smugness to go along, Ki Alduran was the living embodiment of his family. He was all beauty and no brains, with a proud family name, too much money, and a whopping ego thrown into the bargain.

  Then there were Darren Blake and Phyllis Keating. They were a step up from Alduran, it was true – but only just. They’d been married three months now and were decidedly not out of the honeymoon phase. They were barely fit to be seen in public, much less to work a case like this. But Phyllis’ father-in-law was an adviser to Queen Ilaria, so the whys of their assignment were no mystery. Still, it was murder on my stomach to feel like retching that many times in a day.

  And finally, there were Adrian Tofte and Bella Westergaard. Their problems arose on the opposite end of the spectrum: they despised each other. The Toftes were an old political family, and the Westergaards military. Adrian was one of the few Toftes in uniform, and he seemed to think this gave him a more nuanced and well-rounded perspective than the martial dinosaurs like Westergaard. She, by contrast, considered him an upstart, a scion of a family whose ancestors sent knights to wars they wouldn’t fight themselves.

  Lidek and I had placed wagers on whether or not they’d last the mission without coming to blows. I said yes, but the commander reckoned they wouldn’t make it. “They’re either going to fuck, or fight. Mark my words.”

  I shivered at the prospect of either, the first for obvious reasons, and the second because of the paperwork that would ensue. “Hopefully, they’ll take it back home – whatever it is.”

  Along with myself and the knights from the capital, our team was comprised of Commander Lidek, Sheriff O’Brien and Mayor Fitzwilliam. Lidek served as an adjunct on the case, but largely got himself out of the day-to-day fray. Alas, the Knight of the Shire was afforded no such luxury.

  Neither were the mayor or sheriff, though they seemed to mind less. To them, this was all excitement. O’Brien preened to be consulted by capital knights, and Fitzwilliam’s head was so puffed up by the attention that I was pretty sure they’d need to install a larger entrance on her mansion, just so she could squeeze through the front doors.

  All in all, it was a miserable time. We revisited the scene of the incident, and the now putrefying body of the dragon. We searched the vicinity and re-searched it for clues, scouting the border to see if there had been any hideout nearby.

  “If the suspect is some manner of outlaw,” Alduran intoned, “Ilyen might have put him on the defensive. He might have feared discovery, or he may have been protecting his base of operations. You know, like a mother bird, going on the attack to protect its nest. Our suspect’s motives might have been more calculated than simple bloodletting.” Why he insisted on calling the dead man a suspect, I had no idea. He wasn’t suspected of anything. He’d attacked and murdered unprovoked. That had already been established.

  “A good theory, Alduran,” Tofte agreed. “It may be tempting to assume the worst of our enemies, but if we truly want to understand the situation, we need to understand his motives.”

  “I’m less interested in understanding his motives than in rooting out more of these bastards, if they’re out there,” Westergaard snorted. “Rooting them out and exterminating them. Like the vermin they are.”

  Blake and Keating had nothing to offer on the topic, except a few giggles. And I was pretty sure those weren’t meant for us. I was, then, delighted when we got to the splitting u
p part of the mission.

  I had no problem scouting the forest on my own. Was it a waste of time? Sure. I felt that instinctively. My gut told me that this was a lone rider, a scout perhaps, from the South. That had earned me a few patronizing chuckles, and a, “Well, the Council is going to need something more concrete than that, I’m afraid.” But even so, even if the rider had been drawing our attention from his camp, whoever he was protecting would be long gone by now. This observation, too, had been met with condescending smiles. “Perhaps. We’ll know when we find the camp.”

  So if the team was determined to play in the woods, well, I’d do my part. Fortunately, I could do it on my own, exploring the sector of forest I’d been assigned without the jester brigade in tow.

  It was another hot day, and before long sweat poured off me. The dust of travel soon became mud. The more my discomfort grew, the more my gratitude increased by direct proportion. If I was going to suffer because of the environment and elements, I didn’t need to add company to the mix too.

  The day wore long, but eventually it concluded. Surprising me not at all, and my team rather more than it should have, we found nothing. “Perhaps we need to broaden our search parameters,” Alduran posited.

  “Maybe we should consult with Lidek,” Westergaard added. “He’s got that fresh batch of squires.”

  “Oh.” Ki’s eyes lit up. “We could form a search grid.”

  “Exactly.”

  “And it would free us up, too.”

  Taking a long swig from her canteen, she nodded, repeating, “Exactly.”

  “We do have a lot more to do than comb the woods,” Tofte agreed.

  I smiled to myself, not only because of the team’s sudden lack of enthusiasm for the hunt, but also because I was witnessing a miracle: Tofte and Westergaard coming down on the same side of an issue. “I don’t know,” I said aloud, “are we sure we should trust this kind of undertaking to fresh recruits?”

  My companions shifted in their seats. Which, if I was entirely honest with myself, was my goal. I had no more desire to be out in the woods than they did. But they’d been so adamant, I couldn’t let them off the hook that easily.